


pain killer

by commanderofraccoons



Category: Mean Girls (2004), Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Confrontations, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Suicide Attempt Mention, a little bit of, karen/gretchen are background, rating for the trigger warning, soulmate pain share, they work it all out it’s fine, this has a lot of angst i didn’t mean for this, unbeta’d
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 10:07:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17423858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commanderofraccoons/pseuds/commanderofraccoons
Summary: She turned back as soon as she heard Regina’s voice rise in volume, but she didn’t see what happened next.Janis hit the ground.orA soulmate pain share AU.





	pain killer

**Author's Note:**

> TW: There’s a suicide attempt mention in here that’s a little graphic, so please be careful with that. It’s hinted at toward the beginning and later briefly described in the middle. If you aren’t comfortable, just don’t read it. I was a little nervous about posting this because it’s a lot darker than what I usually write, especially for these two, but I felt like I should post it. They jump through a few hoops in this one, but they end up alright. Have fun :)

**2013**

 

It wasn’t noticed before.

 

As kids, they were always getting injured in one way or another— usually at the same time, too. They’d scrape their knees while falling off bikes together, bounce their heads off the ground while playing tag, and even slide down staircases on an old blanket and bruise their tailbones.

 

Eighth grade made them realize— or, at least— made Regina suspicious that they were connected.

 

She’d heard her mother mention soulmates before; she’d say their pain was equally shared, which Regina had always thought was bit of an unfair deal. Your supposed soulmate makes you feel their pain? Romantic. Her mother, however, talked about the entire idea fondly, and Regina realized quickly that it was because her father definitely wasn’t her mother’s soulmate. He wouldn’t hit her so often, otherwise.

 

After Regina outed Janis at school, she began to feel strange. Her stomach felt like it was constantly in knots, and she was having trouble eating without nausea. She thought it might’ve been her own guilt, but there were just too many negative emotions for them to be entirely her own. And for it to happen after she hurt Janis. What sort of coincidence is that? She wasn’t sure if emotional pain could be shared, but if it was… well, Regina had an idea of who she might’ve been linked to. It was an idea she wasn’t willing to entertain.

 

A few days after— another day without Janis not showing up to school— the feeling went away. She was washing her hands in the second floor bathroom, and as soon as the stomach pain disappeared, a burning sensation started in her left wrist.

 

She pulled away from the water stream as if burned and examined her unblemished skin. The water hadn’t been too hot, and there was no visible mark of anything being wrong. The pain persisted, though it stayed in one small section of her wrist. 

 

Her soulmate had never caused her any issues before, and for that, she was grateful. She’d sort of been convinced that she didn’t have one, but the current throbbing in her arm (and thoughts from the last few days) were telling her otherwise. She gritted her teeth, made a fist, and hid her hand in her pocket before walking back out into the hallway. There wasn’t exactly anything she could do for it, she knew, so she did the next best thing.

 

Verbally take it out on those around her.

 

If any of her classmates noticed that her tongue was more acidic than usual that day, they didn’t let it show. She was pretty sure she caught Taylor Wedell tearing up at her locker after Regina brought up her mom’s affair in front of a good portion of their grade. 

 

But Regina didn’t care. Her wrist felt like it was split wide open, and it was causing her head to pound. Everyone else was just collateral. 

 

The day passed slowly, and Regina practically sprinted to her mother’s car after the final bell. Tossing her purse into the backseat, she slammed the door shut and immediately squeezed her left wrist in an effort to relieve the pain.

 

“Did you hurt yourself?” Sabrina George eyed her carefully, seemingly afraid of her daughter’s response— or maybe just of her daughter.

 

“ _ I _ didn’t, no.” She faced forward, taking note of the North Shore Lions window decal on the car in front of them instead of looking her mother in the eye.

 

“Did,” she paused for a moment, trying to gather her words, “someone else hurt you?”

 

“You could say that.” 

 

Sabrina blinked, and her gaze fell to Regina’s tense grip around her wrist. For a moment, it looked as if she was going to say something, but she quickly turned away at her daughter’s glare.

 

They were silent for a few moments, the faint beat of Lady Gaga playing through the radio. Regina, despite the incessant pain, quirked an eyebrow at that.

 

“Honey, I haven’t seen Rachel in the pickup line in the last few days. Is Janis sick?”

 

Regina turned back to the window decal and tried thinking of something to say. One part of her wanted to snap back that, yes, Janis  _ was  _ sick, but she couldn’t bring herself to say it. Regina’s stomach clenched for even thinking it. Her mother, as usual, didn’t know all the details, and she didn’t want to be the one to tell her.

 

“Actually, Rachel hasn’t called me in a few days either,” Sabrina continued, a small frown settling onto her face. “I’ll call her when we get home. We just have to go pick up Kylie.”

 

* * *

  
  


The pain was starting to subside, and Regina couldn’t help but feel relieved. If it persisted into nighttime, she was considering pricking her finger just to tell her soulmate to stop whatever it is they were doing. Or at least to get some help for their wrist pain. It was still sore to the touch, and Regina couldn’t help but wonder what exactly happened. If it was who she thought it might be.

 

She hadn’t been hungry at dinner— the stomach pain had came back briefly— so she had stayed up in her room. Pushing her door open, Regina crept into the hallway, determined to eat the rest of the leftovers before Kylie beat her to them. She stopped for a moment, looking over the railing to see her mother on the phone in their foyer. Her face was a picture of worry, and her one hand was pressed against the top of her chest. 

 

“Rachel, slow down, I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

 

Regina’s eyes widened slightly, backing away from her mother’s immediate eyeshot. She figured it was only a matter of time before Janis’s mom let hers know what happened, but after the first few days had passed, she thought Janis might just not tell her.

 

“No, please, you’re acting hysterical. What’s wrong?”

 

Regina frowned. Why would the woman be hysterical? Angry, maybe, but Mrs. Sarkisian and her mother were best friends. Why would she take it out on her?

 

“What do you mean don’t call you? Rachel! Did something happen?” Her mother asked, evident panic now in her voice. “Rachel!”

 

Regina, now hiding behind the bannister, felt a jab of guilt. She knew what she’d done would end up destroying her friendship with Janis, which was something she was already trying to deal with, but she didn’t consider how it’d impact her mother. Sabrina and Rachel had been best friends since their college years and were the main reason Regina and Janis had grown up together. It didn’t seem possible that she could ruin that.

 

Her mom pulled the phone from her face and briefly closed her eyes. She seemed conflicted, as if she was planning to dial the woman’s number again and ask for an explanation. But Regina knew her mother didn’t have the backbone for that. 

 

“Regina!”

 

Regina’s heart must’ve been beating loud enough for her mother to hear her. She considered slowly going back to her room without answering, but from the look on her face, Regina knew this conversation would be inevitable.

 

“What, mommy?” She peeked her head out, schooling her expression to be impassive as she made her way down the steps. “Stop yelling.”

 

“I’m so sorry to ask, honey, but could you maybe talk to Janis soon and see if everything’s alright? Rachel, well,” she gave a strained smile. “Rachel seemed a little upset on the phone. Do you know if anything is going on?”

 

“No. I’ll talk to her.” She hoped her tone left no room for further questions.

 

“Well, I just wanted to make sure her father didn’t— well, you know David.” Sabrina attempted to make it sound like a joke, but she looked ready to burst into tears at any moment. 

 

Janis’s father had left she and her mother years ago, and it was pretty well known that he wasn’t the best person. Probably worse than Regina’s own father.

 

“I’ll  _ ask _ .”

 

Sabrina quickly nodded, as if satisfied.

 

Janis didn’t show up to school for the rest of the year.

 

* * *

 

**2018-2019**

 

It felt like Gretchen hadn’t stopped talking for the entire morning.  _ At least _ , Regina thought,  _ she has other people to talk to now.  _ Cady’s addition to their group meant there was another person around for Gretchen to run her mouth to. Karen was always there to lend an ear, of course, but talking to her got old fast.

 

Still, she wasn’t completely ignoring everything they were saying. Gretchen’s main purpose was to give her useful information, but it didn’t seem she had any for her today— not yet, at least. 

 

The halls were relatively crowded for a Friday afternoon; most underclassmen tended to leave early, and the seniors likely just wouldn’t come at all. Today, however, it seemed everyone who was enrolled at North Shore was in attendance today, and Regina was sure it had to do with whatever important school sporting event that was going on that night. She’d go, of course, to keep up appearances.

 

Even with all the people in the hall, there was still an open path for the girls to walk through unbothered. All it took was a single stare, and they would get out of her way. 

 

And that’s where she was. Completely in her element while walking down the hall.

 

Until she saw her.

 

The poorly-done ombré caught her eye first, and Regina tried pushing away the churning in her gut. She was used to seeing her at school again, and she’d kept up remaining impassive around everyone about it. In reality, Janis’s absence had taken a toll on her, and she was still suspicious that the two might be soulmates. Regina avoided the other girl as often as she could, but it seemed she wouldn’t be able to this time. 

 

One of the sophomore jocks that Regina couldn’t name was standing in front of her locker, seemingly arguing with her. Knowing Janis— or at least who she used to be— he probably insulted her, and she gave it right back to him. What Regina wasn’t expecting, however, was the no-named jock shoving Janis into her locker, smacking her head against the metal.

 

Regina stumbled slightly but caught herself in time, the dull throbbing near the back of her neck unsettling her. This had happened a few times since the girl came back to school. Someone stepping on Janis’s foot on purpose, a paper cut in their shared Lit class, and they always happened in front of Regina. She’d gotten her proof more times than she could count, and yet she still didn’t want to believe it. She considered hurting herself to see if Janis reacted, but she couldn’t find it in herself to do that. She’d put her through enough over the last few years, if the pain she suffered outside of school was anything to go by. 

 

Gretchen snorted next to her, and she could vaguely hear her say something nasty about Janis to Cady. She gritted her teeth and couldn’t help but blame herself. She’s the one who made everyone feel…  _ allowed  _ to target Janis, and these feelings were something she’d been dealing with for over three years.

 

“You’re not funny, Gretchen.” She heard herself say, and she watched, satisfied, as the girl promptly shut her mouth for the first time all day.  _ Finally. _

 

* * *

  
  


So Janis might’ve gotten a little carried away in the gym. Literally.

 

But she stood by her speech. She’d been wanting to get all of that off her chest for years now, especially toward Regina. It felt relieving, in a way. Honestly, those five minutes of her standing on her soap box felt like a better revenge than anything they’d done in the past few months. It felt  _ good _ , and the school, though fickle, was standing by her side for once. Maybe this was how Regina felt all those years ago when she got everyone to turn on her. Only it was unprompted the first time around. This, well, this was speaking her truth and what’s she had to live by for the majority of her high school career.

 

The girls carried her outside, most likely to follow both Cady and Regina’s impending argument. They placed her back on the ground, and Janis thought she heard Mrs. Norbury yelling for everyone to get back inside. Janis spotted the two girls immediately, fast-paced walking in the middle of the road. Damian was now standing beside her, though his gaze was also focused in front of him. She turned back as soon as she heard Regina’s voice rise in volume, but she didn’t see what happened next.

 

Janis hit the ground.

 

* * *

  
  


The light above Regina’s bed was making her head throb even more. Her eyes were squinted, and she couldn’t even hold up her arms to shield her face from it. She let out what sounded like a pitiful moan and immediately heard someone shuffle to the side of her bed. Her sight went dark for a moment, and Regina began to panic. She felt her chest painfully rise and fall quickly, but she still couldn’t see. Someone grabbed her left hand and squeezed it gently, and Regina let out a shaky breath.

 

“You’re okay, honey. I just turned off the light. Do you want it back on?”

 

She recognized her mother’s voice immediately, and lightly pressed her pointer finger against her mother’s palm in an effort to comfort her. The CPAP mask was off her face, and Regina hoped that she wouldn’t need it on to breathe again. “No,” she croaked, and her eyes started to adjust to the darkness. The curtains were drawn closed, but a light in the center told her that it was still light outside. She lost track of what the day was, but it felt like she hadn’t left this bed for weeks.

 

“Rachel Sarkisian stopped by to see you. She brought flowers.”

 

Regina’s brows furrowed a bit, and her eyes flickered over to the figure standing by the right side of her hospital bed. Mrs. Sarkisian didn’t look too different from the last time she saw her, though she did seem awfully pale. The morphine drip in Regina’s wrist most likely was the reason for that— she’d been seeing things differently since she woke up from being revived. Despite her kind smile, the woman looked genuinely upset as she clutched the magnolias in her hands.

 

“I know it’s been a while, Regina, but we’re all thinking about you right now. Just take the time you need to get healthy again.”

 

_ We’re _ . Well, where  _ was  _ Janis? The girl’s mother came in her place, and Janis refused to come herself? She wasn’t surprised; if the positions were switched, she doubted she’d go and see her, either. Still, why would Mrs. Sarkisian make it seem like the message also counted her daughter when it obviously didn’t? Regina remembered, then, that the woman worked in this hospital, and that she most likely came to visit during one of her shifts.

 

“Janis?” She asked quietly, barely over the humming of the machines she was connected to.

 

She watched the woman look up at Sabrina nervously, and Mrs. Sarkisian turned away to place the magnolias into a vase next to her bed. Her mother must’ve gotten it while she was sleeping.

 

“Where?” She managed to continue, hoping her minimal words were understandable. It still hurt to talk, remembering one of the white coats telling her that she also had several broken ribs. Who knew when those would heal.

 

Mrs. Sarkisian looked behind Regina, and she could imagine she and her mother were trying to communicate something with their eyes. They’d always been good at that for as long as Regina knew them. She wasn’t sure they had been in the same room together since the eighth grade incident, since Mrs. Sarkisian seemed to take the  _ don’t call me  _ pretty seriously.

 

She supposed herself getting hit by the bus did at least some good to somebody. Maybe her mother could get her one friend back if they played their cards right. Mrs. Sarkisian was hesitant to answer, if the way she kept biting her bottom lip was anything to go by. Why? Regina knew that Janis hated her. She made it well known to everyone just before Regina got smashed by a bus.

 

“Actually, honey,” it was her mother speaking instead, and Regina slowly turned her head to see the sort of look on her face. “Janis is just down the hall in another bed.”

 

Regina blinked, and she could feel the morphine slowly inch into her veins. The only sound in the room was coming from Regina’s machines, and no one quite knew what to say.

 

“Why?”

 

Her mother glanced at Rachel before looking back down at her daughter. “She didn’t… well, she didn’t take your accident very well. Shock, the doctors are saying, but she’s in a lot of pain. She’s been in here for as long as you have.”

 

No one had told her that before, though that was probably on purpose. They wanted her to heal, or whatever. Telling her that she happened to traumatize half of her class when she got hit by a bus probably wasn’t a good idea. Still, why was she in pain-

 

Oh.

 

_ Oh. _

 

Oh,  _ god. _

 

She closed her eyes suddenly.  _ Of course _ . Regina hadn’t told anyone that Janis was most likely her soulmate, so of course everyone would be confused by her behavior. Regina got hit by a  _ bus _ , meaning Janis felt the same impact she did. Only she wasn’t receiving the same pain medication for it. She was by no means an expert in how the pain sharing worked, but she knew Janis would have no physical wounds or telling signs that she was in pain. Her pain was coming from Regina’s own pain, which was getting lesser a little every day.  _ I’ll have to tell Janis to thank the morphine for that. _

 

How do they treat something like that? She can’t have the medicine herself, and it was obvious no one had made the connection yet. One girl, who’d been hit by a bus in one room. Another girl, just down the hall, who seemed to be in the same sort of pain. They both went to the same school, had known each other since they were in diapers, and had more history than most people their age. Even though Janis’s mother worked here, she doubted the doctors would’ve come to Regina’s conclusion. Mrs. Sarkisian was still standing in the same spot, and her expression looked practically heartbroken.  _ She has no idea what’s wrong with her daughter. Only you do. _

 

Before this hospital visit, she would’ve never dreamed about what she was about to admit. And to who. 

 

“Janis,” Regina cleared her throat, and she felt a short stab in chest at the action. “Soulmate. Shares the pain.”

 

Both women stared at her for a moment, most likely trying to figure out what she meant. However, it must’ve kicked in at the same time, since their faces both flashed with something akin to surprise. Regina let out a breath of relief, feeling noticeably lighter for telling two living souls. She knew she’d been dead for fifteen seconds before being revived, and Regina couldn’t help but wonder what happened to Janis during that time. The death of a soulmate was supposed to be one of the worst sort of pains someone could have, but would she have even been conscious at the time? Did she realize it herself? Had she been awake enough to even think about it?

 

“How-“ her mother started, apparently at a loss for words. “How long have you known this?”

 

“Eighth grade,” she admitted.

 

She glanced over at Mrs. Sarkisian to see her reaction to that, but she was still staring at Regina as if she told her the secret to the universe. Both women were silent, and Regina considered expanding on what she exactly knew. Janis hitting the locker. Janis’s combat boots cutting into her heel during all of their sophomore year— Janis probably hated her for some of her heels, then. Whatever happened to her wrist. That one she wanted to know about.

 

“Well, I think I better go speak to the doctor.” Mrs. Sarkisian gathered up a bag from one of the chairs, though her gaze never left Regina’s form. “Thank you. I don’t think we would’ve ever figured that out.”

 

Regina managed a nod, and the woman briefly left the room.

 

Not even a minute passed before her mother moved into her view. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

 

She should’ve figured this would happen. This conversation would have to take place eventually, but Regina planned on avoiding that until she could at least move without feeling pain. Not yet.

 

“No.”

 

* * *

  
  


She was honestly feeling a lot more comfortable. Her pain meds had even been lowered in dose, and she could speak real sentences without her chest feeling like it was about to concave now. 

 

Still, she was sleeping a lot. Most of her days were spent napping and doing physical therapy. She was still in the hospital for a bit longer and would have to deal with her new spinal halo for a while, but she was nowhere near the condition she had been in when she first arrived.

 

Yawning, she moved to sit up in her bed gently, and if she would’ve been able to jump up, she would’ve. 

 

Janis was sitting in the chair next to her bed with one leg over the armrest and the other gently brushing against the floor. She was in a hospital gown and pajama pants with a design Regina didn’t recognize on them, and she was staring at Regina like she was the most interesting thing in the world.

 

Which… nevermind.

 

“Good afternoon,” Janis spoke with a slight bite in her tone. “I don’t remember you sleeping the day away all the time. That was more my thing.”

 

Regina stared right back, and she suddenly wished she still had her morphine drip. She wasn’t in pain, per se, but she knew for a fact that this conversation was something she’d been dreading for years. They both had things to discuss, and that didn’t even include the bombshell Janis would’ve found out about earlier in their hospital stay. She had considered asking her mother how Janis took the news, but she didn’t want her to think she wanted to talk about it with her. Though with the way she kept hinting around about Aaron and Shane, her mother most likely just wanted some sort of explanation.  _ She can wait a little longer. _

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Janis quirked a brow a little at that, and Regina supposed she should work on calming her hostility. She wasn’t exactly in any position to argue with Janis.

 

“I’m getting released tomorrow morning. I know you’re staying here longer, and I,” Janis paused, suddenly looking as if she’d rather be anywhere else, “I thought we needed to talk first. I think you should start.”

 

“And if I have nothing to say to you?”

 

Janis chuckled humorlessly. “We both know that’s not true.”

 

Regina sat up a bit more and managed to push her legs over the side of the bed, her socked-feet accidentally brushing up against Janis’s one foot on the ground. “Fine. No, I didn’t know we were soulmates when I outed you.”

 

Janis visibly flinched at the words, as if she wasn’t expecting Regina to be so blunt. She opened her mouth as if to say something and immediately closed it.

 

“That wasn’t what made me feel guilty about it,” Regina added, knowing she rendered Janis momentarily speechless. “And  _ yes _ . I still feel guilty about it.”

 

Janis shook her head suddenly, a disgusted expression appearing on her face. “I don’t give a shit about your guilt. What you did to me-“

 

“I know what I did to you.”

 

“Let me finish.  _ No _ , you don’t. You always turned a blind eye to what everyone else was doing to me. You had the power to start it, and I’m sure you could’ve stopped it if you really wanted to. But you only fueled it. Actually,” Janis dropped her one leg from the armrest and brought it to the floor with her other one, only inches from Regina’s. “That’s pretty masochistic of you. You could feel that I was hurting, couldn’t you? Were you  _ punishing _ yourself?” Janis suddenly looked deep in thought and clasped her hands together between her knees.

 

Regina wasn’t entirely sure what to say to that. What Janis was saying actually made a lot of sense, and she didn’t exactly want to confirm that that’s what she was doing. Even if it’s what she was unintentionally doing, she was still hurting Janis to do it. “I really am sorry, Janis. I know that’s hard to believe, and I’m not expecting forgiveness, but you deserve to know.”

 

“Well, you’re right. I don’t forgive you.” Her tone was notably softer, and she leaned back into the chair. “It helped make me who I am. I’m not glad it happened, but it changed me as a person. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive you for it, but that isn’t today.”

 

She figured as much, but the admission still stung. Regina knew what she had done was wrong and was willing to work on it in the future. She’d convince Janis of that before she left. She had to.

 

“You’re not exactly faultless in this, Janis. I know you were doing all of this to get back at me, but that doesn’t justify it.”

 

Janis nodded slowly, acknowledging what Regina was saying. She was probably hoping this part wouldn’t come up, but if Janis wanted to talk, then Regina was going to cover every part of their issues.

 

“I’m sorry, too. Believe me, this,” she motioned to Regina’s spinal halo, “was not my intention. I didn’t mean for you to get hurt like this. It’s weird to see you so… I don’t know.”

 

“Human?” Regina guessed. “People forget that about me.”

 

They went quiet for a moment, neither knowing how to keep the conversation going. Not all of the bases had been covered yet, and Regina was a little worried Janis was about leave before they finished.

 

“I know I have to change. You can say this was a bit of a wake up call for me.” Regina stared back at Janis, who was almost examining her now. “It won’t happen overnight, but I’m gonna try to be a better person. If you’d let me, I’d like to try to prove that I can do that.”

 

“If I’d let you?”

 

“You’re the one I hurt the most. Even if you can never forgive me, I’d like to try and make it up to you.”

 

Janis sighed loudly. “I don’t know if I deserve your forgiveness yet, either. I guess this can be something we can both work on.”

 

They sat in silence again for several minutes after that, but it wasn’t filled with the tension from before. It was relieving, almost, and Regina felt like they might’ve actually gotten somewhere with their conversation. 

 

But she wasn’t done.

 

“Could I ask you something?” Regina worried her lip, hoping what she was about to ask wasn’t crossing their newly laid boundaries.

 

Janis shrugged, though she seemed more interested in what Regina had to say.

 

“After I outed you,” Regina started slowly, making sure she wasn’t about to offend Janis. “I felt nauseous for days. I think it as a mixture of both of us, actually. But you didn’t come back to school, and one day-“ She stopped here, and she noticed Janis looked supremely uncomfortable again. Regina reached out her hand and placed it over a spot on Janis’s left wrist. She felt slightly raised skin, and her heart skipped a beat at the rough texture.

 

Janis pulled her arm back as if burned, and for a moment, Regina thought she was going to start yelling at her again. Instead, Regina examined her own left wrist and placed her finger lightly against the same spot. “It stung so bad. I could barely move my hand for the entire day. The next thing I knew, your mom was no longer speaking to mine, and they said you’d officially been pulled out of school for the year right after.” Regina tried to keep voice calm, but it was proving to be difficult. She didn’t want to scare Janis away, but she hadn’t spoken about this to anyone. Talking about it… about their shared pain made it  _ real.  _ “What happened?”

 

Janis pulled both of her arms around herself, and she had a hard time making eye contact with Regina. She was hoping the other girl would at least give her a vague answer; it seemed important to her, and Regina felt like she had to be connected in some way.

 

“After what you did,” she began shakily, “I wasn’t really sure what to do. Everyone at school sided with you and I just-“ She shook her head. “I just- couldn’t deal with it. I felt lonely for the first couple days, and then I convinced my mom to let me stay home one day. It was supposed to just be a day to get away from it all, but my mom left for work, and then I was by myself again. It... escalated, and I regretted what I did immediately.”

 

Regina clenched her jaw, not at all liking the way the conversation was turning. Of course she suspected some things. A cut on the wrist didn’t tend to be an accidental wound. Considering what happened only days before, Regina had a bad feeling about it from the moment she felt the pain herself.

 

“You cut yourself?”

 

“Well, no,” Janis admitted, a little sheepish. “That wasn’t what I was trying to do. I was… I just wanted all of it to end.”

 

Regina felt the breath leave her lungs suddenly. She knew exactly what Janis was trying to tell her, and that nausea from years ago had returned in full force. Her eyes were watering, and she was doing everything she could not to crack in front of Janis.

 

“I made you try to kill yourself. That’s what that scar’s from, isn’t it?”

 

She didn’t want to hear the answer, even though she knew exactly what Janis was going to say. Janis seemed to be a bit unnerved discussing it, and Regina wasn’t sure if she’d shut down or not.

 

“I called my mom when I was losing blood. It was a pretty small cut, but I did go downward. I saw what I did, and I panicked.” Janis collected herself a little better here, most likely deciding that she’d already told Regina the worst of what had happened. “She called an ambulance, which is what I probably should’ve done in the first place, but…” she trailed off, finally breaking eye contact. “I thought I was dying, so I wanted to make sure I talked to my mom first.”

 

“Janis, I never- I’ve never considered the consequences for my actions before. Not really.” She felt a tear slip down her cheek, and she was glad Janis was still facing the floor. “I’m so sorry, Janis. You’re right. I didn’t know what I did to you.”

 

“I did go to art therapy. Cady told me you like to tell people that’s the only reason I’m good at art.” A ghost of a smile was actually on Janis’s face, and she lifted her head again to meet Regina’s gaze. She blinked for a moment after seeing the tear trail on the other girl’s face, but continued. “But I was pulled from school because I was recovering in the hospital. This one, actually. And  _ then  _ I went to art therapy and skipped out on freshman year.”

 

“I’m not sure if I’m glad you told me this or not.” Regina was a mix of emotions at this point, though she knew this confrontation would bring that along. Still, the thought of what she did causing someone— her former best friend— to try and take her own life made her want to curl back up in bed and cry. “But I think it helped me realize how terrible I’ve been to everyone. To you.”

 

“The only ones who know about it are my mom and Damian.”

 

She felt an unwarranted stab of jealousy at that. Regina had noticed how close the two were as friends, but Regina was the one to throw away her friendship with Janis in the first place. Still, she has never exactly been  _ close  _ to anyone in the past few years. She never left anyone in— even Gretchen and Karen really didn’t know her that well. Janis may have felt lonely in eighth grade, but Regina had been lonely for all of high school.

 

“Thank you for telling me.” She wiped the lone tear away, and Janis watched her movements as she did it. 

 

“There’s still a lot to work out.” Janis stood from the chair. “But I think I might be able to give you a chance. Give it some time, and,” she smiled softly. “If you keep proving to me that you’re human,” she pointed to her wet cheek, “then we might be able to move past this.”

 

Regina nodded, and the negative emotions in her stomach lightened a bit. Janis said they could possibly move past it.

 

Janis stopped before leaving and turned back to Regina. “You… didn’t jump in front of the bus, did you?”

 

Regina wasn’t able to school the shock on her face in time, she was sure. After the last part of their conversation, she shouldn’t be surprised that Janis asked her this. She was wondering if her actions caused this. The fractured spine.

 

“No, I didn’t, but I’ve heard that’s going around.” Regina sighed suddenly, unsure if she should keep talking about this. It was something she’d thought of recently during her time in the hospital. “If it would’ve been a couple days, maybe after the anger subsided… I’m not really sure what I would’ve done.”

 

Janis seemed to accept that answer, content that she didn’t cause Regina to go jump in front of a bus. The similarities of the situation weren’t lost on each other.

 

“I’m not really sure how much longer you need to be in here, but maybe I’ll come visit? My mom’s been wanting to see you since- since you told her.”

 

Regina just nodded, not entirely wanting to get into that topic again. “Are our moms okay now?”

 

Janis chuckled and placed her hands into her pajama pant pockets. “After what happened, my mom didn’t want me around you anymore. She sort of took that out on your mom, I guess. Don’t worry about it.” Janis waved it off. “Pretty sure they’ve been meeting every day while visiting us in here.”

 

Regina gave her a watery smile. “I never wanted them to fall out of touch because of us.”

 

“They’ll get through it, too.” Janis was inching closer to Regina’s hospital door, though the two kept eye contact. “Maybe I’ll come see you tomorrow before I’m discharged?”

 

Regina smiled. “I’d like that.”

 

* * *

 

Spring Fling went a lot differently than the rest of the year. Cady stormed in wearing a blue and gold letterman with the mathletes, won Spring Fling queen, and made a compelling speech that actually touched their high school population.

 

Oh, and Regina George showed up wearing a spinal halo.

 

The only student who had actually seen her in it before this was Janis.

 

She was used to stares from her classmates, but these ones weren’t the same kind. Not unfriendly, but analyzing. The spinal halo was a physical sign of weakness— one Regina couldn’t hide. Regina also suspected her classmates found out about her and Janis, if the increased whispers when she came to stand next to her said anything. 

 

“I forgot to ask you something in the hospital,” Janis said, holding both of her combat boots in her hand. She dropped them to the floor carelessly, one falling on its side.

 

Regina eyed the shoes almost offendedly before giving Janis a pointed look. “And what’s that?”

 

“My mom said you knew for a while about us being soulmates. Why wouldn’t you tell me that?”

 

“Well,” Regina started, trying not to make a face at Janis’s tights being the only barrier between her feet and the gym floor. “How well would you have taken it? Or believed me in the first place?”

 

Janis shrugged, confirming what Regina already knew. She only suspected it until recently anyway, though she had honestly known deep down since eighth grade. 

 

“Gretchen told them, by the way.” Janis sighed, making a motion with her hand toward the crowd of people trying to subtly stand around them. “They all figured it out after I stayed in the hospital for a while. It’s a little harder to write off as shock when I was admitted almost as long as the girl who got hit by a bus.” 

 

“Gretchen did?” Regina frowned, finding the girl’s blue dress in the throngs of people. She wasn’t surprised, necessarily. Gretchen lived for drama and secrets, and this was probably one of the juiciest pieces of gossip to come from the entire year. 

 

“Well, no, but she didn’t exactly help.”

 

“I have to ask.” Regina tried nodding her down toward Janis’s shoes, wincing slightly as the pain shot down her neck— Janis visibly flinching at the motion, as well. “Why are the shoes off?”

 

“Funny you should ask.” Janis smiled. “You might’ve noticed, but these kinda hurt my feet. And your heels are awful right now. I didn’t wanna deal with pain from both, and I figured you shouldn’t either.”

 

“Oh.” Regina felt her face heat up suddenly, slightly touched by the gesture. She was ready to tease Janis for taking off her shoes in public when it was just an attempt to ease her own pain. “Then let me…” Though she couldn’t bend down to do it, she used the back of her one shoe to kick off the other. “Could you help me with this?” She asked, slightly embarrassed.

 

Janis’s brows shot up when she realized what Regina was doing, immediately bending down to move her one shoe out of the way before pulling off the left one. “There,” she said, satisfied, springing back to her full height with a small smile. The whispers had gotten audibly louder at their actions, and Regina couldn’t help but roll her eyes. She was sure they were giving them all something to talk about for the weeks to come.

 

“Thanks, Janis. I appreciate it.”

 

They smiled at each other, and Regina could see the lights from the DJ reflected against part of the crown on Janis’s head. There was a lot they still needed to work on, but Regina felt like they would be able to move forward.

 

“You wanna get out of here?” Regina turned to face her, feeling the eyes on her back. “We haven’t been to the park together for a while.” She enjoyed the flash of surprise across Janis’s face and placed a comforting hand on her arm.

 

“Hope you don’t mind riding on Damian’s jazzy.”

 

* * *

 

From there, the girls had only continued to grow closer. With the help of their friends, who had managed to form into one group, both Regina and Janis received the support they hadn’t really expected. All of them— minus Karen— were completely surprised when the rumor of them being soulmates ended up being true. Damian had cornered Janis about it almost immediately after Spring Fling and knowingly rolled his eyes when Janis told him she hadn’t known before. Gretchen had apologized for adding fire to the story, but no one had really blamed her for it in the first place. Cady, on the other hand, hadn’t stopped smiling since they confirmed it, and Regina and Janis went out of their way to avoid her when they could. She tended to get a little overzealous with them, and they weren’t exactly in the right place for that yet.

 

The rest of Junior year passed relatively quickly, especially with all of them being surrounded by a larger group of people. Finals came and went with a lot of whining from their friends, and summer brought them all a lot of relief. It was rare that they spent a day apart, between the movie nights and summer parties thrown in either Gretchen or Regina’s mansions. The group ended up blending in with each other surprisingly well, and they couldn’t help but silently thank Cady for it.

 

Senior year started, and it was as if their entire class had shifted. No one was overwhelmingly nice, but there seemed to be a sort of peace that rested among all of them. The events of Junior year had impacted everyone in one way or another, and no one wanted a repeat of it. People stayed within their own little groups and rarely bothered other ones.

 

Regina kept up with her nicer behavior, though being kind for her wasn’t exactly the same as it was for everyone else. Not everyone believed she could be redeemed, of course, but she didn’t exactly let that bother her. The people closest to Regina stood by her, and, nowadays, that surprisingly included Janis. Realistically, if there was anyone who couldn’t forgive Regina, it’d be Janis, and they’d been making strides at that daily for months now. The added bonus of them being soulmates didn’t hurt, either.

 

But Janis no longer shied from her touch or avoided talking to her at lunch. She did homework with her and made coffee runs for the two of them when they needed to cram for a test. Regina went to all of her art events, and Janis suffered through Regina’s impromptu shopping trips. Their friends all watched how they were around each other, and it was a complete difference to the beginning of their Junior year. They went out of their way, it seemed, to analyze their relationship, always asking one of them how they were getting along.

 

They were all waiting for it to turn romantic, Regina suspected. And they hadn’t gotten there yet. She knew it’d take time, but they had become closer in the last few months than ever before. It wasn’t the same as it was in eighth grade; they had been close then, sure, but this was tinted with a little more tension. The consequences of their actions were still there in the back of their heads, and both parties felt guilt for how they had treated the other.

 

But that was slowly changing. 

 

They were growing more and more, and the nature of their relationship changed, too. Their mothers had been on edge watching them for months, especially after their mothers had rekindled their own friendship. Regina had thought Mrs. Sarkisian wouldn’t take the news of her daughter’s soulmate well, but both of their mothers had enthusiastically offered their support to them— even when they were strictly platonic.

 

Everyone was waiting for them to officially take the next step. Regina, especially. She was ready to try moving them forward but didn’t want to until Janis gave her the proper signs. Rushing them now wouldn’t be ideal; she’d been secretly waiting years for this opportunity, and she doubted a few more months would kill her.

 

The winter holidays passed, and Regina was given the sign she needed from Janis over their break. She took the blatant staring, gentle smiling, and nose nuzzling her neck even when they weren’t in the snow as good signs, anyway.

 

So Regina decided New Year’s would be their moment. It stood for new beginnings, different behaviors, and botched diet plans. Also, as tradition, people tended to kiss someone special at the stroke of midnight, and Regina planned on being that person for Janis.

 

Which is where they were now. Regina had talked her mother (she’d finally gotten the nerve to leave Regina’s abusive father, and she’d won both her fair share of the money and their house in the deal) into letting her throw a New Year’s Eve party at their house, just as long as her little sister could also attend. She’s not sure why she’d want her fourteen year old there, but she agreed immediately— not without telling Kylie she wasn’t allowed to be bothered for the entire tonight. She had one goal for the night, and she wasn’t about to have her baby sister ruin it for her.

 

Kylie didn’t ruin anything, however, and seemed to take to Damian after only a few minutes of talking to him. Gretchen was snuggled up next to Karen on the loveseat, both of them looking like they were in their own little world. Cady went off with Aaron somewhere in the house a while ago, and Regina just hoped they had the decency to avoid any of Regina’s belongings. She spotted Shane drinking something in the kitchen, while trying to turn up the volume of the New Year’s Countdown on the living room TV. If she had more patience, Regina might’ve went over and told him he was standing too far for it to pick up from there, but she only had one thing on her mind right now.

 

She ran her hand down Janis’s arm softly, a teasing smile on her face when Janis tilted her head toward her in response. Regina dropped her hand to grab Janis’s and lightly tapped the back of it. “Follow me?”

 

Janis only nodded, letting Regina lead her somewhere upstairs. “You don’t wanna watch the ball drop?”

 

Regina just shrugged, making a turn and opening one of the first doors on the left. There were a lot of people in her house right now other than her friends, and she probably should’ve locked her door. She usually would when throwing a party like this, but she didn’t want to risk drunkenly locking herself and Janis out of her room and ruining her planned moment. Thankfully, her room looked untouched, and no one seemed to be inside it other than them. “Here.” Grabbing the remote from her bedspread, Regina fiddled with the buttons for a moment before the countdown appeared on her own TV. She slid the device across the top of her bed toward Janis, offering a smile to the confused girl. “You might wanna turn it up loud. We won’t be in here to hear it.”

 

Janis frowned slightly, picking up the remote and successfully increasing the volume, unlike Shane on the floor below them. “Where will be then?”

 

Regina’s face lit up, and Janis was pretty sure the girl hadn’t stopped looking at her the entire night. Regina held out a hand, playfully moving her fingers until Janis grabbed onto it. 

 

“Out here.” She was glad she hadn’t switched back rooms with her mom yet, though she figured she didn’t exactly need as much space anymore. The master bedroom balcony overlooked their entire backyard and gave a wonderful view of the intricate gardening her mother paid people to come do for them. More importantly, it was the perfect spot to see the Haswells’ backyard, who shot off fireworks for almost every major holiday. 

 

“What-“ Janis stopped, a strange expression on her face as she took in the scene. Regina must’ve kept up some of her holiday lights— or perhaps rearranged them specifically for this moment. Twinkle lights went all around the inside of the railings, and Regina stood in the middle, a sheepish smile on her lips.

 

“We’ve been dancing around this for a while,” Regina began nervously, her stomach beginning to nervously churn. She hoped Janis didn’t feel it. “I understand if you’re not ready yet, that’s fine, but-“

 

“Stop.” Janis shook her head, and Regina’s eyes widened, suddenly wondering if she read all of this wrong. Her stomach and chest felt almost painful at this point, and Regina knew Janis would be feeling it too. Maybe she’d let her down easy because of it. “You did all of this for me?”

 

Regina blinked, and some of the sharpness left her chest. “Yeah, of course. What,” she tilted her head to the side. “What do you mean?”

 

“I was- well, I was waiting for  _ you _ to be ready.”

 

They stared at each other for a moment, and Regina could hear the one minute to go countdown about to start from inside of her room. She didn’t know for how long, but they’d both… been waiting for each other to make a sign. Yet they were both ready. She couldn’t help but chuckle.

 

“What?”

 

It was Regina’s turn to shake her head, and she met Janis in the doorway of the balcony. “We could’ve been doing this a while ago is what you’re telling me.”

 

“I guess so, yeah.” Janis seemed embarrassed, and the illumination from the twinkle lights made her red cheeks shine just a bit brighter. “Thank you, though. For making sure I was ready.”

 

A lot was silently passed between them there. They had  _ finally  _ been able to get over their past actions, but they knew they wouldn’t exactly be forgotten. They’d discuss it in depth before, and though the conversation had left them feeling a bit pessimistic, Regina was glad for it now. All of those conversations, confrontations, apologies… they all led up to this. They could keep it all in the past and build a new future. One with a lot more positivity in it— and treating each other better.

 

That’s what Regina was trying to do with New Year’s. The fireworks would be a nice touch, she could admit, but it was a good symbol for them. Trying to start anew as something different.

 

The countdown was loudly being shouted from within the house now, and Regina never broke eye contact with Janis. She grabbed her by the hands gently and led her further out onto the balcony, stopping just before the railing with Janis facing the Haswell house. 

 

With a slight smile on her lips, Regina leaned in and kissed Janis. They froze for a moment at the contact, but as soon as the cries of  _ “Happy New Year!”  _ could be heard, they both started to softly move into it. She brought a hand up to the side of Janis’s face and lightly brushed her thumb against her right cheek as the kiss deepened. 

 

Not a moment later, Regina heard the first firework go off behind her, and Janis jumped back, surprised. Her face was bright red now and her lipstick a little smeared. The color was most likely mixed with Regina’s lighter color on her own mouth. She watched Janis’s eyes flicker to the fireworks in the neighbor’s backyard before looking back down at Regina. “Did you know about that?”

 

Regina smirked, smug that her plan managed to actually work. Janis laughed, and Regina couldn’t stop herself from grinning at the sound. 

 

“I never knew Regina George was such a romantic.”

 

Regina raised an eyebrow, feeling like she was being challenged. She reached up to the top of Janis’s long sleeve shirt and pulled her in closer, their lips now inches apart. “I never wanted to be before.”

 

Their foreheads were touching now, and they closed the distance once again, the lights from the balcony railing and the fireworks both flickering across their complexions.

 

Soulmates share pain, and like Regina originally thought, that wasn’t exactly the most romantic thing in the world. In a way, it was terrible. Why subject the person you love the most to your pain? Shouldn’t you want to take their pain away?

 

But, now, maybe she got it a little more. Sure, she shared her pain with Janis, and they both were awfully good at hurting each other. This, though? Kissing? Well, the joy and emotion seemed doubled to her, and she couldn’t help but think that maybe they shared each other’s happiness, too. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> come talk to me: kleksuh.tumblr.com


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